Robots I’d Punch: 7 Zark 7

A panel from a Gold Key comic based on the TV series 'Battle Of The Planets'. Keyops, a visor and cool-cloak'd hero is asking to a robot on a screen saying "I've seen enough robots for a while". The robot responds with an 'ahem'

Harsh? Perhaps! After all, 7 Zark 7 is supposed to be one of the good ‘guys’, sitting underwater at Centre Neptune, monitoring a multitude of threats to the Earth (which all happen to be from the same space dude every single time so there has to be a more efficient way).

My theory is that 7 Zark 7 is a glorified Ring doorbell or something. Probably stuffed full of pictures of passing cats and postmen, the whole “looking out for space crimes” being more of a sideline compared to the massively more profitable work it does identifying people by cross referencing 16 different data sets with its own enormous water cooled data store so as to sell them a Henry The Hoover and a pack of 16 party hats of varying colours and quality.

Underwater because people just find it easier to believe that it’s for the good of mankind if it’s got an underwater base because underwater bases are cool. But! You know who else has an underwater base? Dr Eggman from Sonic The Hedgehog, that’s who (and also a whole bunch of jellyfish that can kill a man stone dead but that’s another story. Also I don’t actually know if jellyfish have secret underwater bases but you’ve got to admit, it’s a terrifying thought that they might).

Even on the off chance that 7 Zark 7 was built with the best of intentions, we all know how capitalism works by now. At some point the company that created it is going to go for an IPO or get bought out by Amazon then all bets are off.

Best to punch it just in case. We can’t go taking the chance.