Originally published on March 22nd, 2016

10. Tripping Over Your Shoelaces

I’ve lost count of how many times I’ve done this and every time it’s like “oh, I should have got down on my knees and just tied my shoelaces” but I never did and now I’ve tripped over them and sometimes I fall into a wall and when I fall into a wall it hurts and when it hurts I don’t like that so you should probably not do that.

9. Calling Your Nan ‘Monty Mole’

It’s an easy mistake to make because I know your nan sometimes looks like an iconic videogame character from the nineteen eighties especially when she wrinkles her nose like that but I don’t know if it’s really smart to mistake her for a coal bucket stealing mole who steals a bucket of coal during the miners strike when people are trying their best to make a living and some people are being hit by policemen it’s just a guess but I don’t think your nan really appreciates it and I know this really because she told me.

8. Stealing Ducks

I heard a developer once did this and he got in very big trouble with the police but it was ok in the end and his reputation just about scraped through intact but he was lucky really that he stole the right duck because if he’d stolen the wrong duck at the wrong time in the wrong place and the wrong people spotted him then it could have gone pretty bad especially if the policeman had asked to search his trousers because his trousers were full of bread to attract ducks and honestly we tried to tell him but there’s no telling some people they just don’t listen and when it all goes wrong we’re all like we told you so but they don’t listen so what is even the point?

7. Pretending You Are Activision HQ

You’re not fooling anyone really and I don’t know what you’re expecting to happen when you do this but if you’re hoping that a load of developers will walk into you and go to work then that’s not going to happen because everyone can see that you’re a goldfish and there’s no way that a goldfish could even be a place where people to go to work because too small for starters.

6. Selotape

12 hours in A&E and how was I supposed to know?

5. Making a videogame

I knew a person who made a videogame once and they made a really good videogame because someone told them to make a good videogame and everything would be ok but they made the videogame and then it wasn’t ok and then they didn’t know what to do because when someone tells you to make a good videogame and you make a good videogame because they told you that and then people don’t buy it how are you supposed to do anything but maybe you made a rubbish videogame but if it was a rubbish videogame how did you not know?

4. Murders

It’s an easy mistake to make but still you should probably not do any murders especially of people because the world does not like people who do murders and people who do murders and end up in jail and how many videogame developers do you know who work from jail exactly none that’s right and no working late at the office so that your wife family friends and everyone else you know never gets to see you doesnt count as jail even though sometimes it might feel like jail but actually that’s business and business is ok and you should know that business is ok because it makes a lot of money and I’m very sorry about your videogame it wasn’t my fault and I promise I’ll clean up after myself next time it was a cup of tea and I spilt it on your disk and you do have a backup don’t you I hope you have a backup because if you don’t have a backup who really knows how you’re going to keep any data safe what’s wrong with you are you feeling ok?

3. Hiding From The Police

Just because you ignored the advice I gave you last time about not doing murders doesn’t mean you’re not in trouble now with the police and hiding in that dumpster won’t make them go away you know I told you that it was wrong but no you didn’t listen no-one ever listens to me because if they did listen to me there’d be no more murders and everyone would live happily ever after and videogames would be a much better place none of that misery and sadness that comes from having to attend a funeral every other tuesday because you all did the murders instead of making videogames not that you should be making videogames unless it’s a good videogame and it all gets very confusing and I’m so very sorry still don’t do murders.

2. Threatening To Jump

The police arent going to suddenly stop and leave you behind just because you clambered on top of that supermarket shouting you will never take me alive copper because they don’t really care if they have to take you alive or if they snuff you out there and then so be smart and instead of doing that hand yourself in and face the music but better yet don’t do the murders in the first place because if you don’t do the murders then you don’t have to shoot up that hotel to protect yourself and it wasn’t a hotel anyway it was a dog bath place where they put poodles in the wash and fluff them up or whatever they do in those places and you’d just done a little too much drugs that night and we did warn you not to go that far but no.

1. Failing To Market Your Videogame

In videogames, marketing is everything. From your initial branding to the trailer that you host on your store page, every step of the way you will be marketing both yourself and your videogame. One of the greatest advantages of recent years and especially in light of the indie boom that came in the years following Indie Games:The Movie is that people and the press are interested not just in your work but in you. Take Phil Fish for example, whilst parts of the internet considered him both rude and outspoken (a view not especially backed up by Phil Fish: The Person) there’s no denying his ‘personal brand’. Sites would run article after article after a single tweet, a barely contentious comment at an event. The same works for famous Minecraft-maker Notch who was infamously quoted on just about anything he typed into his twitter feed.

Obviously, it’s a good idea to not be obnoxious with your personal brand because personal brands can be both positive and negative and whilst some people can thrive on a negative personal brand, the chances of that being you are slim to none. Ultimately, you have to be realistic not just about your chances of succeeding at the market but also about whether you will become a personality within indie games. There’s no getting away from the fact that it is no longer 2006 and we’re no longer simply just buying videogames on Xbox Live whilst Valve populate their storefront incredibly slowly and bundles haven’t even been thought of yet and as time has gone on, the role of the press in videogames has changed drastically also.

There’s hundreds of games released a week now. Compare this to 1983 when there were, according to one source, literally hundreds of games and no more than that, you can no longer rely on simple, tried and tested tactics to improve your personal brand. Ultimately you have to ask yourself this question, do you want your brand to be ‘Alan Partridge’ or do you want it to be ‘Martin Amis’? Once you’ve answered that question then the rest, and more will come to you.

Wait. Hang on. Who are you? Why are you here in my room? I didn’t invite you in, you’re not room service no hang on what are you doing I didn’t ask for this and that’s not champagne get out of here or I’m calling the police please just leave I’m very sorry I don’t know what I’m supposed to have done but please, spare me spare my life it’s not my fault wait hang on I’m too young to die please please please not the duck please not the duck anything but the duck oh god oh god oh god